I have 12-18 months to live. Like any Z-list, fame-hungry, Plank-length celebrity, I periodically Google myself — blog search only, since web searches usually result in the same old pages — to see if anyone’s talking smack about me. What do I see today on page 1, right between my batting averages post on the Harriet blog and some other real estate agent TG? This exciting note from the film industry:
Peter Hedges will write and direct “The Odd Life of Timothy Green” for Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures. The idea came from Ahmet Zappa who produces with Scott Sanders and is a modern-day fable. The plot details are being kept under wraps.
Good God. Next year’s Up! is going to steal my good name and snuff me out of cyberspace! Don’t believe me? Try finding Benjamin F. Button‘s blog on Google. He used to make a living through his website on the vibrant happenings in the (he’d argue) ironically named Barren County, Kentucky — now he’s nothing but a dead man listed by number (l2442) on a geneology website. That forgettable, Oscar-cajoling, Forrest Gump knock-off starring Brad Pitt’s makup artist completely consumed his identity. For 30 pages Google knows nothing but the big budget movie, which seems to even have consumed F. Scott Fitzgerald himself.
Megan and I were just talking yesterday about the importance of having a unique name in the digital age. It’s as if Lyn Lifshin’s parents pre-reserved space on every message board and cyber-platform on the interweb. For every johnsmith1134 who waited for the clock to strike 9pm EST on the day Facebook doled out usernames, there was a Martha Vertreace-Doody somewhere having a fun night on the town.
As the world grows smaller, more and more your name is becoming your brand. And you only get one. I’ve been Timothy Green for 6 years now — everyone just calls me “Tim,” but when I publish under Tim Green, people think I used to play linebacker for the Atlanta Falcons. It took a while, but I’ve become the #1 Timothy Green on the internet. There’s the Senator from Missouri, there’s comic book artist Timothy Green II. I thought my toughest competition was going to be Timothy Green-Beckley, Ufologist and hack-scientist extraordinaire. One by one I’ve knocked them down — but for what? For all of us to be buried by a 3-D digital feature?
What’s worse will be off-line, in the so-called “real world.” It was bad enough during Tom Green’s 15 minutes of fame. Worse still when everyone started yelling “Timmmmaaaaay!” at my baseball games.  But this is actually Timothy Green — how many times am I going to hear about my “odd life” for the rest of my odd life? How many emails will have that as a subject line? How many times will strangers ask me, “So Tim, how’s your odd life going, har-har?”
Just shoot me now. Next summer you won’t have to — I’ll already be dead to Google, and what else is there?
I almost peed. That’s hilarious. I’m a notorious pole dancer so… things could be worse.
I’m lucky on the name front; I don’t think there are any other Maxwell Despards pretty much anywhere.
You could always sue.
I feel your pain. I am Scott Allen Jr. I have had to deal with this my whole life.
RING RING
Hello?
Is Scott there?
Which one?
There are two?
Yes there is the old one and the young attractive one.
Ummmm I’m not sure which one I want.
Who are you?
It was my favorite when a girl I was dating would call up on the phone and my dad would start up a whole conversation with her. Aggghhh.
I vowed never to name a child after myself. So far so good.
So funny. Can’t wait to see the film — do you think it will help with book sales? 🙂
Maybe you can turn it around and start using “the odd life of” as keywords on all of your pages and titles so that when people start searching for the movie, they’ll get you.
You have a year or so to embed the oddness in your life and web code.
I thought of that, Joanne — which is why I made the title of this post match the films. If I do any more, they’ll probably sue me for copyright infringement. Hell, they probably will anyway, may name is going to be a registered trademark! Timothy Green^tm
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I know what its gonna be about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I’m a Timothy green also.When I was young I went by Timmy,and into my 20s I went by Tim. Went I got into my 50s I went back to Timmy.My Green family is Scots Irish and has been here since the early 1700s.The only other Timothy green I’ve ever heard of was the same linebacker from Atlanta,and a guy here in Miami that used to hurt my credit rating.
Just heard about this movie last week when friends went to the movies and they showed the odd life trailer.I got allot of phone calls.